Warning: This is not a body positive post. It also mentions specific weight, so if that is triggering, please skip this one.

Yesterday, I turned 42. We all had a great day at the barn, holding yet another successful “wine and ride” in which we typically have a little wine, ride a working equitation-style obstacle course at a walk (and maybe a little trot, depending on the horse), and then have more wine. It’s a way to build confidence, skills in the saddle, and have a good time with our horses without having to do drills upon drills.

There were some outside horses brought in, which got the horses a little more “up” than they normally would be, and of course my spicy desert horse was no exception. Apart from not wanting to stay put during mounting, she was generally okay. No big spooks, just a lot of curiosity and caution as to what was going on with these interlopers.

Aside from being too fidgety and spooky for the rope gate obstacle at the time (it was near the “scary” side of the arena, so I don’t blame her), she handled most of the obstacles well. We did ground poles, upright poles, tight circles, water jug carrying, backing up, and transferring a cup from one pole to another. Overall, I was pleased with how she handled the chaos and trusted me through everything.

It was a fun, successful day and I even got to see my best friend, whom I hadn’t seen in ages, who decided to come and hang out, even though she wasn’t able to ride due to an injury. She enjoyed hanging out on the sidelines and taking some photos, which she sent me after the ride. Seeing some of them, I couldn’t help but feel a little…bummed.

See, I’ve been on a kick to lose weight since last fall, wanting to lose it gradually and change my mindset, instead of relying on counting calories or restricting. I believe I started at about 220 lbs and up until mid last month, I got stuck at 207 for about a month. Last month, I joined a thought work program and my weight started dropping again. I’m REALLY close to getting back into the 100s. My goal is about 175, being realistic about my age and wanting to enjoy life (and wine and rides). So, seeing photos of myself on my horse seem somewhat discouraging.

When I ride, I don’t imagine myself as fat, or at least as fat as I look in my photos. In photos, it looks like my fat gets in my way a little bit, but it doesn’t feel like that while riding. And I guess we all look fatter sitting than standing, but with my short torso, sitting on a horse takes away any semblance of a waist, pushes my “spare tire” around my hips and lower stomach out further, and really enhances any roll or bulge. My most horrid of thoughts about this is that it looks like I’m a head peeping out of a blob of fat.

I hate that I’m critical of myself in this way. I hate that I’ve grown up in a society that hates and discriminates against fat people and makes women especially pick apart their bodies in photos. I want to be okay with myself as I am, whether or not a lose a single pound more, but I know that I am not. I don’t hate myself, I don’t hate my body. I just dislike the way I look on my horse because it’s not how I imagine looking.

My horse is a tank; she has absolutely NO problem carrying me (and I’m within 20% of her bodyweight, if that’s even a thing – a post on that later), but I still want to make it easy for her. And I feel a lot of shame when it comes to being a fat person on a horse because of how we’ve been conditioned. I grew up watching teensy, thin riders on huge warmbloods all over the place. I’m fat and 5’7″ and I ride a 15.1h draft cross and to me, I look enormous.

I am losing weight because I want to help my horse balance and because I want to feel like aesthetically, I don’t overwhelm my horse. As someone who has always tried to be at least body neutral, if not body positive, it’s hard to admit that I don’t like how I look. But that’s the truth and I guess it’s okay to have my feelings about it.

I may not stay here, in this feeling, but this is one leg of my journey and I’m embracing it nonetheless.