Last night, my therapist said to me, “You’re surviving, but you’re not really living.” That struck me in a most impactful way. I’m 42 years old, at the half year mark. I’m going through a difficult separation and divorce process, I’m financially torpedoed (and might also have to pay more spousal support), I have a dog that is going through heartworm treatment and can’t be left alone at all for any stretch of time, I’m pretty isolated overall, I can’t run or work out the way I’d like to, and I can’t really focus on anything, including work, which is ramping up for the new fiscal year. Woof. She’s right. 

The only solace I get in this moment of my life is the fact that this is all temporary. Eventually, I will get divorced and my finances will get sorted. Jake will finish his heartworm treatment after January (hopefully) and will be able to be neutered so he can go to doggy daycare or at least run and play in the park to get some of the anxious energy out. Eventually, he will be able to be left alone and will be housebroken and trained so he can be left out of the crate. Eventually I will be able to get out and do things and be social. This is just a very dark time for me. 

The way out of this dark time is to focus on some small goals and think about bigger goals into the future. I’m using this blog post here to outline some short term and long term goals so that I can lean into the hope that can keep things going. 

First, I’m starting with things I can do that I can control today: 

Write down my food plans every day. 

Journal. 

Set up social time, even if it’s just a phone call, at least four days a week. 

Write, even if it’s not a big project. 

Set up a few minutes for movement in the mornings, even if it’s not a full workout. 

Slowly restart Jake’s separation training and document it. 

Mid-term goals: 

Get back to where I can leave Jake for one hour. 

End Jake’s heartworm treatment. 

Do things that bring me joy. 

Rein in the budget where possible.

Get Jake neutered. 

Start running program again. 

Restart work on book. 

Work on Kiss’s cantering program.

Focus on my mental and physical wellbeing. 

Longterm goals: 

Be able to leave the dogs alone and get out for as long as I want to. 

Work on obedience with Jake. 

Eliminate any of Jake’s guarding behaviors with multiple people. 

Canter Kiss under saddle with self carriage

Start paying down debt.

Finish my book. 

Go to Spain to take a dressage clinic for my 45th birthday. 

Start volunteering again.

Be happy.

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It all seems like a tall order from here, but I have to have hope that things will work out. Someone once said, “It will all be okay in the end; if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” I’m going to keep going until I get there.